NEIL HAMBURGER SPLITS SIDES
Neil Hamburger is America’s Funnyman. He’s known for classic riffs like “The Zipper Schtick”, “Condoms”, (and a host of other cutting edge, ribald jokes and tales), as well as he his for his armloads of drinks and endless touring schedule. Despite being devastatingly handsome, he’s an awkward fellow who’s never really gotten his due. On the phone from one of the billion Super 8 motels he’s stayed in this year, Mr. Hamburger was sweet enough to answer some questions about life on the road, fame, liquor, and his new record, Great Moments At Di Pressa’s Pizza House.
Neil Hamburger: “It’s a record that we hope to be selling multiple copies of at some point in the future. It’s a documentary of a pizza parlor that I used to perform at on a weekly basis. There are interviews with the owner, the customers, and the health inspector who tried to shut them down. It’s really a very interesting slice of life and I highly recommend that you give it a listen.”
Echo: How have you remained such a prolific comedian?
NH: “Well, it’s just a question of the record company insisting on it. If you don’t have new product, you’re dead in the market place. Have you noticed that Coca-Cola comes out with Cherry Coke, Coke One, and Urinal Tasting Coke one after another? Well it’s the same thing with a young, up-coming comedian such as myself.”
Echo: Is alcohol the comedian’s friend or the comedian’s enemy?
NH: “Well if you abuse it, it can become an enemy, but to abuse it as a comedian, you have to be in a position to receive that much free alcohol. Myself, a lot of these clubs would prefer to give me a pitcher of water, so I think it would be difficult for me to become an alcoholic. Hopefully up there in Canada they will give me the opportunity to slide that slippery slope down into alcoholism.”
Echo: As a world famous comedian, what is there left to achieve at this point?
NH: “I’d like to get to the point where I can keep some of my pay for myself and it’s not all just going out to attorneys, management, and all the other people that have their hands in my pocket. It would give me a sense of pride to walk around with a couple of dollars in my pocket again. It’s been years.”
Echo: Will you ever try to get into the movies?
NH: “I just did a film recently with Mr. Jack Black, (pauses for effect). I had a small role. See if you can guess who I played? Was it, A) Abraham Lincoln; B) a top architect; or C) a failed comedian?”
Echo: Um, Abraham Lincoln?
NH: “No, I’m afraid not. I was not qualified for that role. I was cast as the failed comedian, but I still did the best I could. The movie will be out in theatres worldwide in the near future. Hopefully it leads to other things. I’d like to be a game show host, for instance. Or be made the manager of a fast-food restaurant…”
Echo: Do you meet a lot of women on the road?
NH: “Well a lot of my audience is male, but you do get some lovely ladies out. You need a balance in life.”
Echo: Any favourite pick-up lines?
NH: “No cause I don’t really make an attempt. I’m not really in their age-range usually, although some are impressed with the low-grade of stardom that I’ve achieved. But a lot of them have mental or emotional problems that I can’t afford to take on right now, having enough of those myself.”
Echo: Waterloo is a university town, do you have any advice for new students?
NH: “Yes, do stay in school. Otherwise you could end up like me. If you continue with university you could be a prime minister, or an oil tycoon, or one of those guys who types things into a computer, and that’s certainly better than what I do. Maybe the university could finance a stay-in-school campaign with me. I would do it for very cheap.”
Echo: If you could take anyone out to dinner at Di Pressa’s Pizza, who would it be?
NH: “Anyone in the world? Wow. A beautiful woman. A lovely lady who might brighten up my life. Perhaps my ex-wife, cause I’ve not been able to communicate with her due to a legal, uh, (mumbles something unintelligible), for a few years now and I know she’s got her hands full with her new ‘friend’, this dentist. But she was quite the looker and maybe we could talk things out and communicate in way that wasn’t in a courtroom, because that’s painful for me. We could try to negotiate something so she wasn’t taking seventy-five percent of my money. This dentist she’s dating, well, they make six-figures. So I think we could talk about that at the pizza parlor. Although we’d need a time-machine cause the pizza parlor’s closed down now. But if we had a time machine I think I’d probably have a meal with Jesus Christ. Cause then you could really get on some talk shows. So if we’re talking time machines, my choice would be Jesus.“
Echo: Will you be breaking out any classic routines for the Starlight show?
NH: “I might do the “Zipper Schtick”. I’ve certainly had a good response in the past. It’s hard to say what I’ll be doing exactly, but I can tell you one thing: if you have access to a mimeograph machine, you should make up ahead of time some maps that show folks how to get to the nearest medical clinic because it’s very possible that at my show their sides will split from laughing so hard. It would be good to facilitate that immediate evacuation to a medical centre.”
Echo: And finally, what would you like written on your tombstone?
NH: “This is an empty grave, purely for show. Neil Hamburger’s performing tonight just down the street at 8pm. Tickets are $10.”
Echo: Thank you very much, sir. You’ve been a pleasure.
NH: “Please don’t do one of those hack jobs on me. I’ve had enough of that.”
Catch the brilliant and painfully awkward comedic stylings of Neil Hamburger at the Starlight on
September 28th. Make yourselves aware of emergency routes since your sides may indeed split. And for God’s sake buy the man a couple drinks. Daiquiri and BA Johnston open. $10 in advance.
(originally published September, 2005. Echo Weekly. Kitchener)
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